Cucinelli’s New Kids Collection Is The Most Ridiculous Thing Ever

October 7, 2019

Look, we realize all fashion, in some way, is guilty of this. Nice clothes are expensive and people, more often than not, buy things to fulfill certain fantasies about themselves. We buy clothes to feel fancy and sophisticated, or rugged and tough. We dress up to feel like we’re an Italian industrialist, a Belgian artist, or a space cowboy. A lot of fashion is very, very indulgent.

But Brunello Cucinelli’s new kidswear collection, freshly introduced for this fall, takes the cake. For one, I don’t even know if kids at this age even have an identity beyond wanting to eat crayons and watch cartoons. At this age, my happiest moments were when I got to wear my bright blue Cookie Monster sweater-jacket, which had plastic googly eyes that rattled around when I walked. I liked it because I liked Cookie Monster.

Brunello, however, thinks kids should experience higher pleasures, such as feeling the cloud-softness of Italian cashmere, wearing contemporary sporty-chic style, and knowing what it’s like to build a wardrobe around the color beige. The company describes the collection as such:

A new adventure begins. Our first collection for children is a dream come true: an idea that we have cherished and nurtured with passion for many years. Our idea is to convey courage and self-confidence: an exhortation to experiment, challenge your limits and unleash your creativity, but also to have faith in the future and grow up in a culture of respect and harmony.

No, I don’t have any idea what that means either. But these creations are dedicated to the “little ones” — or “tiny billionaires,” as Brunello calls them.

First off, credit where credit is due. The looks are nicely styled and the kids are adorable.



The kidswear section then tells us these clothes are made from the “values that we embrace in Solomeo every day.”




A sample of the clothes available:




Kids’ shearling jacket is $3,700; down parka is $1,900. We assume there’s a single down feather in there because this is a child’s sized jacket. Wide wale Sea Island cotton velvet corduroy dinner jacket is $1,700. To complete the look, you’ll also need to purchase a tuxedo shirt, trousers, cummerbund, and bow tie.



Let’s move on to the knitwear, for which Cucinelli is famous. Their kids’ shawl collar cardigan is $820. The copy says this is a timeless style, even though your kid is sure to grow out of it within a year. $820 may sound like a lot, but it’s a steal compared to the $1,150 hoodie. The product description there reads: “Designed for relaxing or playing, Brunello Cucinelli Travelwear delivers the soft and cozy sensations of precious fibers through their sporty garments for boys.” Pristine cream, as many parents know, is the ideal color for play clothes. At playtime, my kid jumps into pools of gold coins like Scrooge McDuck and emerges on the other side of the bank vault after swimming under the gold. He then spits gold coins out of his mouth like they’re made from water. It’s very cute.



Long-time PTO readers know how much we love our button-down collars. Here are some $390 ones you can buy for your tiny Ivy Style child. Care instructions say “hand wash only.” Because of course.



I can already hear what you’re saying. “But what about my infant billionaire?” Fret not. Uncle Cuccinelli has $445 terrycloth baby towels and $225 three-piece bib sets (so, really just $75 each). My babies wear these when they eat up all the affordable housing in the Bay Area.



Look, these clothes may seem expensive, but they’re investments. Buy fewer terrycloth baby towels, buy better terrycloth baby towels, I have always said this. Plus, read the descriptions. There’s really nothing like a refined, elegant, and sophisticated four-year-old. Here’s your chance to dress your kid up in tiny versions of middle-aged clothes.

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